It was overwhelming to again get into a bed he had last slept in with Isobel. Of course the covers had been changed but the perverse thrill still tingled over him as he climbed in. The last time he had done this she had been alive; wasted and skinny and bald as anything but smiling after a good day. The last day she had spent with his family all together. The last time any of them had all been together unless you counted her funeral. Was she really there for her own funeral? The tears came as he knew they would but they were gentle, they fell without the wrenching effort that they sometimes required and he fell asleep with them on his face and soaking into his pillow.
“Chris, if it were up to me you’d be staying I can tell you. But the masters that be…”
“I understand, Erin.”
“Well that’s good of you ‘cause I bloody don’t.” His boss looked like she hadn’t slept and he felt touched that this could be because of him, because she had to deliver this news to him.
“Now I’ve got a few mates over at AmEx. Lets say have a month or two off and I’ll put in a word and see which department you can start in.” She looked at him over the bridge she had made with her hands.
“No, thank you.” He shook his head quickly and looked down.
“Really Chris I’m sorry to lose you. You’re an asset here…” She stopped when he guffawed and looked a little offended.
“I’m sorry. An asset? I get up and walk out. I do half my allocation, if that, on the days I’m here. A monkey could be trained to do my job.”
“I’m not judging you on the last few months. Only an…well it’d be pretty heartless for anyone to.”
“It’s a business.”
“Not for much longer if it treats it’s staff like this.” He was surprised by how real her anger was when he felt nothing at all. Strange considering how quick he’d been to get angry at anything before but now he couldn’t summon a flicker. In fact he felt a sort of relief. There was no choice now. He would have to begin again.
“Erin it’s been great working for you but I think this was the push I needed. If you don’t mind I won’t stay any longer. Thank you.” He got up and walked out closing the door on her protestations with a quick smile. There was no-one he particularly wanted to say goodbye to and as she’d caught him on his way in he had all of his personal effects slung across his body in a bag. He felt a fondness as he left the office for the last time. They had tried to look after him, to protect him. It’s just they had done the wrong thing. This is what he’d needed after all. As he walked through the city towards his flat an impulse took him and he dropped into his letting agent as he passed it insisting on speaking only to the manager.
“So you see I can’t pay you any more rent. I lost my girlfriend and my job. I suppose you’ll keep my deposit so I shan’t bother to clean the place for you.” The agent stammered and muttered about protocol and how he wouldn’t be able to get it past head office even though he himself saw no need to stick to the rules on this occasion. Chris found himself again getting up and walking out on a person trying to angle themselves onto his side.
“I’ll drop the keys through the letter box tonight.” He called over his shoulder as he left, still smiling.
He rang Janey giggling as he journeyed on home.
“Guess what?”
“What?” She asked warily.
“I was sacked.” She drew in a sharp breath.
“Oh no. Oh Chris.”
“No. Stop. Don’t you think this was just the kick up the arse I needed? Now I can figure out what I want to do.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
‘You haven’t been…I mean you’re not…”
“I’m not drunk, no. I’m just on a high at the possibilities of life.”
“Good. How will you pay your rent?”
“I won’t.”
“I see.”
“I’m moving in with you.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Tonight.” She started laughing.
“Okay I’ll meet you at yours in an hour. Just don’t throw anything out yet.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just don’t okay. I’ll be there.” He hung up still grinning. His sisters job appeared to be about as flexible as his own, or as he thought his own had been. What was she on about throw things out? He would have to pack, yes but he didn’t have that much stuff. He really wasn’t a clothes man much to Isobel’s relief. It hit him as he unlocked the front door and his heart sank. She meant Isobel’s things. Of course he couldn’t move house with all of her things. He mooched into the bedroom not bothering to remove his bag or his jacket and sat on the floor. Janey found him sat with his back to the small Ikea wardrobe. She sat down next to him.
“All got a bit real?” She asked.
“I didn’t think. I mean I hadn’t realised about her stuff.”
“You mean getting rid of it?”
“Yeah.”
“We don’t have to.” He looked at her and the hope that shone in his eyes made her want to cry. It was always like this. He hung on to every little bit of memory and as he alighted on it, for a moment, he actually thought he was getting her back. She had grown used to the thought process as she watched it cross his face. For today he would be happy knowing he could keep her clothes in boxes somewhere but in a few days or weeks he would have to go through them or let somebody else and yet again he’d have to come to terms with the loss of Isobel. Today, get through today she told herself. She wanted to get him to her place or to Mum and Dads. She hated leaving him on his own here but it was all he had wanted at first. She used to lie awake watching her phone terrified that he’d have just about too many and decide to follow Isobel. He’d threatened it many times to her. Although threaten wasn’t the word; he didn’t say it to provoke any particular response. He said it out of desperation and that was what had frightened her the most.
“So maybe I could very carefully pack Isobel’s things into boxes and we could store them at Mum and Dad’s for when you’re ready.” She held her breath unsure of which way this would go. Her brother furrowed his brow and them smiled.
“Yeah. Okay.” So while Chris sorted through his small kitchen and boxed away cds and dvds in the living room Janey meticulously folded and packed her best friends clothes. She hummed to herself and sang bits of songs she could remember. Upbeat songs, 80’s hair metal and Michael Jackson songs. So that she didn’t think about the shopping trip that had yielded the perfect pair of jeans, the jumper got for a £1 in a crazy London sale. She pretended she was a sales assistant in a shop making everything look as neat as possible. Making everything mean nothing. She didn’t grieve for Isobel in front of Chris. She made herself say her name to him no matter how much she thought she would cry, she never had yet. Isobel was Chris’s tragedy, his love, his world and she had learnt to share her a long time ago.
“Chris, if it were up to me you’d be staying I can tell you. But the masters that be…”
“I understand, Erin.”
“Well that’s good of you ‘cause I bloody don’t.” His boss looked like she hadn’t slept and he felt touched that this could be because of him, because she had to deliver this news to him.
“Now I’ve got a few mates over at AmEx. Lets say have a month or two off and I’ll put in a word and see which department you can start in.” She looked at him over the bridge she had made with her hands.
“No, thank you.” He shook his head quickly and looked down.
“Really Chris I’m sorry to lose you. You’re an asset here…” She stopped when he guffawed and looked a little offended.
“I’m sorry. An asset? I get up and walk out. I do half my allocation, if that, on the days I’m here. A monkey could be trained to do my job.”
“I’m not judging you on the last few months. Only an…well it’d be pretty heartless for anyone to.”
“It’s a business.”
“Not for much longer if it treats it’s staff like this.” He was surprised by how real her anger was when he felt nothing at all. Strange considering how quick he’d been to get angry at anything before but now he couldn’t summon a flicker. In fact he felt a sort of relief. There was no choice now. He would have to begin again.
“Erin it’s been great working for you but I think this was the push I needed. If you don’t mind I won’t stay any longer. Thank you.” He got up and walked out closing the door on her protestations with a quick smile. There was no-one he particularly wanted to say goodbye to and as she’d caught him on his way in he had all of his personal effects slung across his body in a bag. He felt a fondness as he left the office for the last time. They had tried to look after him, to protect him. It’s just they had done the wrong thing. This is what he’d needed after all. As he walked through the city towards his flat an impulse took him and he dropped into his letting agent as he passed it insisting on speaking only to the manager.
“So you see I can’t pay you any more rent. I lost my girlfriend and my job. I suppose you’ll keep my deposit so I shan’t bother to clean the place for you.” The agent stammered and muttered about protocol and how he wouldn’t be able to get it past head office even though he himself saw no need to stick to the rules on this occasion. Chris found himself again getting up and walking out on a person trying to angle themselves onto his side.
“I’ll drop the keys through the letter box tonight.” He called over his shoulder as he left, still smiling.
He rang Janey giggling as he journeyed on home.
“Guess what?”
“What?” She asked warily.
“I was sacked.” She drew in a sharp breath.
“Oh no. Oh Chris.”
“No. Stop. Don’t you think this was just the kick up the arse I needed? Now I can figure out what I want to do.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
‘You haven’t been…I mean you’re not…”
“I’m not drunk, no. I’m just on a high at the possibilities of life.”
“Good. How will you pay your rent?”
“I won’t.”
“I see.”
“I’m moving in with you.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Tonight.” She started laughing.
“Okay I’ll meet you at yours in an hour. Just don’t throw anything out yet.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just don’t okay. I’ll be there.” He hung up still grinning. His sisters job appeared to be about as flexible as his own, or as he thought his own had been. What was she on about throw things out? He would have to pack, yes but he didn’t have that much stuff. He really wasn’t a clothes man much to Isobel’s relief. It hit him as he unlocked the front door and his heart sank. She meant Isobel’s things. Of course he couldn’t move house with all of her things. He mooched into the bedroom not bothering to remove his bag or his jacket and sat on the floor. Janey found him sat with his back to the small Ikea wardrobe. She sat down next to him.
“All got a bit real?” She asked.
“I didn’t think. I mean I hadn’t realised about her stuff.”
“You mean getting rid of it?”
“Yeah.”
“We don’t have to.” He looked at her and the hope that shone in his eyes made her want to cry. It was always like this. He hung on to every little bit of memory and as he alighted on it, for a moment, he actually thought he was getting her back. She had grown used to the thought process as she watched it cross his face. For today he would be happy knowing he could keep her clothes in boxes somewhere but in a few days or weeks he would have to go through them or let somebody else and yet again he’d have to come to terms with the loss of Isobel. Today, get through today she told herself. She wanted to get him to her place or to Mum and Dads. She hated leaving him on his own here but it was all he had wanted at first. She used to lie awake watching her phone terrified that he’d have just about too many and decide to follow Isobel. He’d threatened it many times to her. Although threaten wasn’t the word; he didn’t say it to provoke any particular response. He said it out of desperation and that was what had frightened her the most.
“So maybe I could very carefully pack Isobel’s things into boxes and we could store them at Mum and Dad’s for when you’re ready.” She held her breath unsure of which way this would go. Her brother furrowed his brow and them smiled.
“Yeah. Okay.” So while Chris sorted through his small kitchen and boxed away cds and dvds in the living room Janey meticulously folded and packed her best friends clothes. She hummed to herself and sang bits of songs she could remember. Upbeat songs, 80’s hair metal and Michael Jackson songs. So that she didn’t think about the shopping trip that had yielded the perfect pair of jeans, the jumper got for a £1 in a crazy London sale. She pretended she was a sales assistant in a shop making everything look as neat as possible. Making everything mean nothing. She didn’t grieve for Isobel in front of Chris. She made herself say her name to him no matter how much she thought she would cry, she never had yet. Isobel was Chris’s tragedy, his love, his world and she had learnt to share her a long time ago.
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